Today, can I be very honest with you?
The last year, and in particular the last half year, has been insane for me. If you had told me that within a year of graduating university I would live in three time zones, change jobs three times, live in no less than seven different apartments, sit front row at a New York fashion show, sign a lease on an apartment in New York City, and watch some of my most important relationships crumble and new ones grow, I would never have believed you.
Because when I walked across the stage to pick up my diploma last June, bright-eyed and full of purpose, I had a plan. I had a vision for how my life would work out for the foreseeable future. I sold, gave away or packed all my possessions, and I flew 6,000 miles from my hometown to settle down in Copenhagen, Denmark. I had a darling man there. A wonderful job. Beautiful, sweet friends.
Guess how all that worked out.
I’ll spare you the details, but the moral of the story is: you can’t plan your life. You can alter it’s course, you can edge it in this or that direction, and the choices you make do have enormous influence – but you just cannot count on things working out a certain way.
And here’s the thing: if life did work out the way we planned it, then just imagine all the things we would miss! The people I’ve met, the opportunities I’ve had, and the adventures I’ve taken in the last year were completely unexpected and wholly incredible. I wouldn’t have missed them for the world – or, more specifically, for the life that I had planned for myself.
Everything happens for a reason. I believe this wholeheartedly. Even when things are awful, when you can’t believe that life is throwing so much horror at you all at once, I’ve found it’s important to remember perspective. If things weren’t absolute shit sometimes… would I really notice when things were absolutely incredible? Would I appreciate it as much?
Last week, I went to hear Christine Hassler speak about relationships at the Levo League office. An amazing life coach and brilliant speaker, Christine coined the phrase “Expectation Hangover” to describe the awful feeling we get when things don’t work out the way that we expected. That’s exactly what I’ve had the last six months. An enormous hangover. Like, a curled-up-around-the-toilet-and-sobbing kind of hangover.
But I’m going to get better. I’m going to focus on living in the present. I’m not going to put so much pressure on the future, nor will I dwell endlessly on the past. I will not look at my mistakes and my heartaches as failures – I will hold on to only the good. Each person, each place, each memory has shaped me and brought me to where I am now.
And where I am now is pretty darn lovely.
I’ve just signed a lease on an amazing Hell’s Kitchen apartment, where I will live the rest of this year with one of my dearest friends on the planet. I’m working in a new-to-me industry, but loving the journey and the knowledge I’ve gained as a hotel concierge. I have met amazing people in New York City who have welcomed me as family, and who are each living their own lives to the fullest, which inspires me every day.
So while I will not dwell on the past and apologize for my lack of dedication to She is Red in the last year, I will make you a promise for the future.
I’m back baby.
Summer ’13 – I’m ready. Let’s do this.